Reassurance

I have weekends on odd days as I don't work full time. So, on Monday and Tuesday this week I went on a trip with my friends from church and the Pregnancy Resource Center. I came home late on Tuesday so I could get back on to my regular sleep schedule for work.

Well, when I got home I stayed awake with Ethan to try and find important documents. We both went to bed and he was gone for a meeting when I woke up. Speaking of waking up, my phone was dead and I only had 30 minutes before my meeting at the Resource Center. I rushed to get dressed and ready.

I plugged my phone in until I left. At that time I only had eight percent charge. Honestly, I didn't think anything of it. 

At the center I offered to volunteer and did not get home until around 4 p.m. When I pulled in I noticed something strange. Ethan was in my parking spot. In the month that we have lived here, Ethan has never parked in my spot. Needless to say, I was confused. 

I parked in a different spot and went inside.

"You, sir, are parked in my spot," I teased.

"Yeah, because I'm mad at you," he said looking frustrated.

"Why? Because my phone is dead?"

He nodded and went on to explain that he had tried to call me countless times once he got home. I guess I had forgotten to remind him that I had a meeting too. Apparently, he went to my work to see if I had been called in. Then, when he couldn't find me there, he went to Walmart to see if I was getting groceries. After he couldn't find me there he decided to go home and wait for me.

"I'm sorry, I tried to charge it before I left but I only got eight percent."

I then received a lecture about charging my phone at night while I sleep. I tried to explain I left my charger in the car. It didn't really help my case.

"What if your water breaks and your phone is dead? Then what?" He asked looking concerned.

"Well, then I would find a phone."

"What if you are on your way to your parents and in the middle of no where and your phone is dead?"

"Then, I will drive myself to the hospital and have someone call you from there."

Ethan wasn't too convinced the hospital would be prompt to call.

I know this all seems silly, but I have a difficult time sometimes telling that Ethan loves me. Maybe you have heard of love languages. Let me tell you, they are real. Ethan shows he cares by doing things for me. I however am a very physical person. I want hugs, kisses and hand holding all day long. So, in that respect we are two very different people. 

Lately, I have been worrying that I am going to lose Ethan because I sleep all the time and when I am not sleeping I am working. I was worried that this was going to drive him away. I have no reason for this worry. I know Ethan is faithful and very committed to our marriage and now our son. However, I just couldn't shake this fear. That was until I saw how concerned he was when he couldn't get a hold of me.

Truly, I need to work on receiving love in the way he gives it. Also, I need to worry less. I want Jackson to have a great life and to do so he needs to know that his parents love him and that they love each other too. Not only love, but Jackson needs to be able to come home and feel relaxed. 

In short, today I learned that my husband loves me and isn't going anywhere, and that I need to find a way not to worry about silly things.

Internal Turmoil

Many nights have been filled with prayer, worry and self-doubt. Probably at this point you are thinking I am worried about becoming a mom. However, being a mom is all I have ever wanted. Ever. I only ever thought of career paths because I felt I had to.

Well, now that my due date has changed again, I worry that I shouldn't go back to college this semester. I was given a great opportunity to go back to MSU, but now my due date has our son slated to come on Dec. 1. That would be two weeks before finals.

In a way I feel like the only reason I would be going to school is because that is what you do in 2016. What if I want to be a stay at home mom who raises her children instead of a babysitter or a teacher? I know that I would need a source of income and I am working on figuring that out, but I keep thinking that I am not really going to school for me. I think I'm going for my family and my husband's family.

Today if you don't have a degree, you are viewed as a disappointment. It's so sad for those who have no interest or desire to go to college. My mom will always point out that I loved school, which is true. I do love learning and socializing with teachers and students.

In the end I think that is why I have been sad about not attending school. I like the events and socialization. I am my father's daughter in that I am a social butterfly, but what if I just want to be a mom. Do I have to have a $70,000 degree in order to be a mother?

Also, I hate that so many people turn up their noses at me for 'wasting my life away.' But not a moment would be wasted in raising my son. Not one.

At this point, I am just hoping that I can find a way to be a stay at home mother. When there is a will, there is a way, right?